Friday, September 21, 2012

In Retrospect



Written by Kayleia Southard

There are things in your life that aren’t useful or even enjoyable to experience, until you look back on them. Retrospect always seems to pull things into focus.
When I was in my freshman year of high school, I was involved in a very abusive relationship. I was mentally, physically and sexually abused. It caused me to be at the point of bawling every night when it came time that the only person that I had to answer to was my thoughts before sleep. Being in that state caused me to constantly question killing myself, as anything had seemed like it had to be more enjoyable than this torture. 

One night when I was setting into my habit of crying myself to sleep, I heard a knock on my window. Opening it, I found my best friend standing, with his guitar smiling at me who was covered in snot and tears. I remember now, our conversation fondly. He always opened conversations between us with the same thing:

“How are you, beautiful?”
“Go away, I’m fine”
“You’re crying, so you’re not fine”
“GO AWAY”
“Nope, I’m right here until you stop crying, I’m always here”

He stood, beneath my window playing his guitar and singing to me. No matter how many times I yelled and screamed at him to leave. No matter how many times I tried to reason with him that my sister would wake up, that he broke in to our yard and was going to get arrested or even my poor attempt at convincing him my cat or I hated him, he would not leave since I was still crying. 

At the time I resented his inability to leave me alone. The pain I felt caused me to want to just curl up and be completely alone. He was not willing to let me slip away from him, no matter how far gone I felt myself to be. Talking to him years later about it, he told me he simply couldn’t lose his best friend since pre-school to some crazy bitch. He needed me at that time as a friend as much as I needed him to remind me that I had value.

Once I stopped crying, he left and said he’d see me at school the next day, as if nothing was out of the ordinary. I resented him and didn’t talk to him for a week. Every night for that week he showed up again, tried to get my attention at the window, even though I didn’t answer. He would stay and play for hours until he must have felt that I stopped crying, as every time he would stop once I had calmed down and stopped crying. As if it was nothing strange going on, he would just walk off after without any question or need for me to justify to him that he had done something right.

He kept me sane and from slipping into a deeper depression that would have caused me to kill myself. I treasure that memory of him, even though he is no longer with me. I look back on those numerous moments with joy where he quietly saved my life, knowing there is no way I can say how grateful I am to him. 

Since he has passed away, all I have left are these memories where someone simply saved me from myself.  It is incredible how much you can do for someone else even if your intention is mostly to save your friendship.

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